Crackk!
by theflailingweenis
Summary: Just a bunch of crack fics I wrote when I was bored.
1. Chapter 1

_Who's Your Daddy?_

"Uuuhhhnnnn," long moans filled the air, before the sharp sound of flesh smacking flesh cut through the air.

"Say my name you dirty little bitch!" A husky moan was heard before another slap ripped through the room. "Say it you filthy little slut!"

"Ughn, Draco," A deep voice let out a sultry moan, interrupted by yet another spank.

"That's right. Who's your daddy, you skanky trollop? Who's your daddy?" Draco growled before letting out a yelp of surprise as the figure beneath him rolled over abruptly.

"_I_ am _your_ daddy and stop bloody spanking me, you little twit!" Draco had the decency to blush, and nodded.

"Yes father." Lucius smirked.

"Damn straight."


	2. Chapter 2

_Am I Fat?_

Draco sat in a dark corner booth, tossing back shots of fire whiskey at the Three Broomsticks. He was only a little sloshed, and if he had his way, he would be damned sloshed by the time they threw his ass out.

"Oh for the love of Merlin, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Draco looked up to see Ron coming towards him. Three Rons, actually.

"I'm drinking." Draco said, happy to hear no slur in his words. He frowned when all three of the redheads sat next to him.

"Is this because I wouldn't let you kiss me?" Ron demanded to know. Draco shook his head. Why did they have to come and ruin his drinking? He was getting sloshed, happy-sloshed, but now he was just unhappy-sloshed. Life was so not fair.

"Go 'way, all three of you. Bastards." Draco mumbled, fumbling for another shot. The Rons sighed and took out their wands. Quickly, before Draco could jump out of the way, they cast a sobriety spell.

"What the-? Foul play Weasley!" Draco whined as the Rons solidified into a single smirking redhead.

"Why won't you talk to me luv?" Ron asked softly, rubbing a hand reassuringly over the blondes lower back. Draco's lower lip started to quiver, and he turned to look at the redhead with tears in his eyes.

"Do you think I'm ugly?" Draco whispered, relinquishing his death grip on the shot glass.

"Yes. Hideous."

"Am I fat?" Ron looked vaguely amused.. "Is that why you don't love me?"

"Yes Draco, you cow." Draco shot him a scathing look, but continued.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Draco bit his lip and swallowed against his sobs.

"No, I like ditzy prats. They suck cock better than the rest." Ron was looking way too smug.

"Is it because-" Draco gulped and started to wail. "Is it because my penis is too small?" Ron rolled his eyes and pulled the blonde boy onto his lap.

"Draco, you are not fat. You are not ugly, I love your hair, and your penis is lovely." Draco stopped his cries to look at the redhead. Ron managed to stay completely sincere under the blondes searching stare, and finally Draco melted into his embrace.

"Promise?" Draco asked, sniffling. Ron smiled and nodded.

"Listen, I stole some crack from Dumbledore. It'll make you feel better."


	3. Chapter 3

_Lemon Drops_

"Headmaster, I demand that you expel the boy!" Severus was shouting. He should calm down.

"Do calm down Severus. Would you like a lemon drop?" Albus asked, holding out a bowl of the muggle sweets. They were special though. These were laced with a little something extra.

_Crack! Crack crack crack crack, lemon-drops laced with crack!_ Albus hummed to himself, popping a few of the candies into his mouth. Severus looked disgusted, and Harry looked a little uncertain.

"Harry my boy, will you refrain from doing again whatever you did this time?" Albus asked, singing his crack-song. Harry nodded quickly.

"I'm sorry Headmaster. I didn't think it was a problem, just that Ron and Hermione asked me to leave so they could -ahh- so they could study." Harry blushed. Albus smirked a bit. Study indeed. They were shagging like rabbits. The castle told him so. The castle talked him more often when he was downing his crack-covered lemon drops like air, but that was okay. He liked crack-covered lemon drops. And he liked air. Idly, he wondered if you could have crack-covered air. That would be cool.

"Severus, give the boy some leniency, I'm sure that he'll try not to wander after hours anymore." They both looked at him as though he had lost his mind. "Anyway, I think you both have places to be." _And I have crack to smoke, chocolate to eat, lemon drops to dip in crack. I wonder if you could have lemon drop flavored crack?_

"Yes Headmaster." Severus sounded irate, but that's okay. Albus would just slip something into his tea later. The poor boy was much to serious. Needed to cut loose! Eat some crack!

"Yes sir." Harry was a good boy. The two should really shag already.

Harry and Severus walked together out of the office and down the stairs until they stood in the hallway. Harry swallowed and looked at his Potions Professor.

"Does he not realize when he thinks out loud?" The boy was blushing. Severus shook his head.

"Would you care for some tea, Potter?" Severus asked. Harry's eyes lit up.

"Without the crack, if it's all the same to you." A certain Headmaster listened, vaguely amused and suckling on his crack-covered lemon drops.

"Ah, youth. Crack-covered youth. Crack crack crack crack crack." Fawkes rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long night at Hogwarts.


	4. Chapter 4

_Blond. James Blond._

Sirius and Remus were sitting in the Gryffindor Common room, late Saturday evening. Peter was on the floor, glancing nervously at the stairs leading up to the boys dormitories.

"Are you sure this was a good idea Sirius?" Peter asked, fidgeting anxiously. Sirius just shook his head and bawled with laughter. Remus too was smiling, watching the stairs with a look of amused anticipation in his eyes.

"It's a great idea Wormtail, so quit worrying. Whaddya think Moony?" Remus rolled his eyes, but couldn't wipe the smile from his face.

"We'll see soon enough Padfoot." He replied, his face splitting into a grin as they heard an ear-splitting scream from the boys dormitories.

"Sounds like he figured it out." Sirius sniggered, bouncing in his seat. Soon enough, furious shouts were heard, most directed at the hyper-active dark-haired boy sitting next to Remus, but Sirius seemed to find them funny rather than frightening.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you now Prongs?" Remus yelled, enjoying the muffled laughter from the other Marauders, They could practically hear his growls from where they sat.

"I would like to make an entrance, if I may?" James yelled back after a few long moments. Sirius and Remus exchanged looks before shrugging. Sirius muttered a few spells, and the Common Room became dark, a spotlight appearing at the top of the stairs James would be descending.

"Music please!" James shouted, his own spells muttered. A theme song began playing, and Sirius was soon rolling around on the couch, clutching his sides in laughter.

Remus giggled, the sight of his best friend making his way down the stairs 007-style, ducking and spy-dodging was just too much. At the foot of the stairs, James tucked his head down and somersaulted to where they were sitting.

"Blond," James uttered, a horrible attempt at a Scottish accent making everyone laugh. "James Blond." He waggled his eyebrows for added effect, his normally dark black tousled locks now bright blonde tousled locks. Even his eyebrows were yellow.

"That was funny." Peter spoke quietly, joining in the laughter of the other Marauders.


	5. Chapter 5

_Siriusly_

James, Remus and Peter were sitting at a table in the library when Sirius tromped in and slammed down in a chair beside them.

"I have an idea for that Charms assignment." Remus just raised a brow, James snorted, and Peter just drooled.

"What are you talking about?" James asked, sounding annoyed. "I thought we agreed we would find a tying charm and fix it so it tied your shoes or something. Easy, simple, Peter's already done most of it." Sirius looked at his fellow Marauders.

"Are you serious?" He asked, looking at the rat animagus in disbelief. Remus smirked.

"No, actually, you're Sirius. I'm Remus, this is James, and that would be Peter." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Ha bloody ha Moony, you kill me with that one, you really do." He sighed, feeling very put-out. Why didn't they believe in his genius? "No, this is the most awesome idea in the world, and you owe it, in all actuality, to one Snivellous Snape." The other three looked at him with disbelief written all over their faces before James spelled away the papers Peter had been poring over. "Thought you might be interested." He said smugly before leaning in to explain his plan.

"Alright, Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew, would you like to pay attention in class? Or, rather, would you like to share whatever is so interesting with the rest of the class that you simply cannot pay attention?" James gave a silent groan as Professor McGonagall stood behind them and snapped. The rest of the class snickered, but Sirius, quick as ever, leapt up and beamed at her.

"Certainly! We're working on our Charms assignment." McGonagall rolled her eyes and muttered something to the effect that the school was doomed no doubt. "I came up with my brilliant idea whilst in the middle of a detention, because we all know that I am there often enough to indulge in such sordid activity." Laughter rang out at his impromptu stand-up act. Remus rolled his eyes and hissed something sarcastic under his breath.

"I need a volunteer for my charm! REMUS!" he bellowed, fixing the werewolf with an icy glare. "You'll be perfect." McGonagall nodded, beginning to wonder despite herself. "Now, the basis of my spell is incredibly dependant on my siriusly long schlong, which you all know, is siriusly long." He winked, "Siriusly. Now, what this spell does is simply use the shape of my long schlong and," he mimed smacking himself in the face, "_fwap_! An example!" Before he could stop the spell, McGonagall was rushing towards him, a stern reprimand on her lips when the promised _fwap_ rang through the classroom. Sirius, as well as his fellow Marauders, stared in horror as a red mark slowly appeared on the face of their Transfiguration Professor.

"Detention. All four of you." McGonagall spoke quietly, but her eyes screamed with a promise of violence and painful things to come. "I will see you here at seven o'clock sharp every evening for the next week. I expect you to be on time." The boys groaned and she gave a small smile.

"Siriusly."


End file.
